I had an awful dream last night.

My brother was taking his dog Desmond for a walk, it was snowing outside, and a mysterious person rolled around a corner driving my brothers truck, only to slowly and painfully run over the dog. Now, in this dream it made complete sense for this to happen and for whatever reason, my dream-self thought, "oh, he's fine, this happens all the time". Then the sky turned dark, and I approached Desmond's writhing body, realizing something was wrong. I began to find pieces of his entrails scattered around his body. I broke down. I woke up. Still stuck in the fantasy of my dream, I began breathing heavily and was so distraught for Desmond. I was convinced for a minute that what I dreamed had really happened.

I hate those nights.

and to top it off, she got a ticket, and my parents think I'm a chain-smoker.

Elliott

Here I am, sitting in a house laden with objects deemed to represent "evil" and "darkness". Who would have thought evil would have become such a cliche'? I spent most of my day inside, having left only once to obtain nourishment manifested in the form of an authentic Mexican-American burrito from the frequented and famed "Super Cucas". I packed my belongings and watched four films, all of them dating no later than 1991. During the length of this day by myself, I had the opportunity to search the cavities of my mind and reflect on the past four months of life. It's been an interesting journey to say the least and I'm now extremely burdened with my hasty decision to alter my living situation.

You see, I have been living with Atheists here in Santa Barbara, explaining why things have been less than typical for me recently. Now I think there needs to be clarification on the subject of atheism, because there are many different types of atheists. There are the typical "don't know, don't care" atheists (or agnostics), or you have the "God does not exist, I'm certain of that" atheists, and finally there are the "God doesn't exist, religion is a disease, and the human race needs to rid itself of this abomination" atheists. My roommates fall into the third of those categories and have chosen favorite phrases such as or similar too "Fuck God, Fuck Christians, and Fuck Religion all together". Surprisingly enough though, living with these harsh-minded individuals hasn't been too much trouble. I moved in somewhat concerned about confrontation on the subject of my faith, and was pleasantly surprised to experience little, to no disputes over the issue. I lived for about three months with these people having only to deal with the occasional playful pun at my beliefs, and was able to partake in some very pleasant, and productive conversations on the topic of religion and my approach to it. I felt that we, together, had built an ideal microcosmic illustration of religious tolerance, in all but extenuating circumstances.

Things quickly shifted in this last month, with my announcement that I'd be spending my summer working at a Christian camp, and with the advent of several events I attended in preparation for this summer. My roommates suddenly changed their attitudes towards my beliefs and became more hostile. The playful jokes turned less friendly and more frequent. I have been constantly teased and criticized for believing in a God, much less the God of Abraham. I've endured efforts of attack on my religious principals, and have experienced attempts to turn new and old friends sour towards me for being "just a shitty Christian". Needless to say, I am extremely discouraged. I was under the impression that I had built something beautiful with my roommates, only to recently have that veil torn from my face. I still love these guys, but it's hard not to hold bitter feelings towards them, or at least towards their actions. I don't feel comfortable confronting them about how the way they act affects me, and I think it should be obvious enough to them that their treatment bothers me.

Originally, I had planned to move back in with these people when my summer away was over, but now, I've decided that living somewhere else will be better for me. Frankly, I don't feel welcome in that house anymore, and I'm sure that if I did move back in with them, that I would be far from comfortable. So, now, I am (shamefully) moving my belongings back to my families home in Orange County, something I had hoped not to do since my departure from the "nest". I'll spend the summer on the Delta, and undoubtedly will be encouraged by my experiences there. When I return, I will hopefully only have to briefly live with my parents before finding a new place to call my home(not that I don't enjoy spending time with them).

This whole situation has been very abrupt, and undoubtedly unexpected. I am unhappy about the turn of events, and the poor timing in which this happened, but I am simultaneously enthusiastic about the events which have yet to come. I cannot wait to see where I end up, and what my journey getting there looks like.

I'll leave you with this scripture, which has been extensively poignant in giving me peace.

Matthew 6:25-34
"...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."

goodnight.

Thoughts

I've come to the realization that silence is hard to come across. Many have become essentially deaf to the surplus of noise that floods our ears, but I have not. I am tortured. Whether it be the constant hum of the fluorescent dungeons we've created for ourselves, or the orchestra of hardened rubber colliding with the concrete roadways we drone along at terrifyingly unnatural speeds, there is always some endless noise pushing me towards the brink of insanity. I find solace only in those places still virgin to the horrors of our "civilized" lives, which I have found to be few and far between.

a quote...

"if it were a question of effort, I would be loved..."

A close friend came up with this. i don't think anything could more accurately sum up the whole of my romantic experiences from the past 2 years or so.

at least my friends can relate to me. there's solace in that i suppose.

right now...

life is making me crazy. There are far to many contrasting feelings and emotions to handle. I'm a very happy individual, most of the time, but certain things weigh me down in ways that I can't always cope with. It feels like certain situations were simply destined for deconstructing my hopes and wishes. The moment that I feel circumstances are ideal, is the very moment that things begin to crumble. My life has seemingly slipped into this pattern of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed.

C'est la vie.


In other news, I think I'm going to get a tattoo soon. I've had many ideas running through my head for a good long time, and I think I've finally decided what that first one is going to be. Mewithoutyou is probably one of my favorite bands of all time. Their music is more original and moving than anything I've listened to in my lifetime, and their lyrics(written by one of the most inspirational individuals I know of, Aaron Weiss) speak volumes to my life and my struggles. In the first song I heard from them, there is a stanza written in french that goes like this...

Je leverai les yeux a toi
J'ai change cent foi de nom
Je leverai les yeux a toi
Je n'ai pas d'espoir

roughly translated:
I will raise my eyes to you
I have changed my name [many] 100 times
I will raise my eyes to you
i have no hope
(the last line is disputable)

i'm looking to get this blasted on my inner right arm. now, to find the money to get it done with...

unsettled

Today was an exceptionally strange day for me. I spent the majority of the day with this overbearing sense of anxiety. There is no reason I could think of as to why I felt this way. The day was in reality, quite wonderful. I slept in. I spent a significant amount of time relaxing, reading, and listening to records in my room. I was able to meet up with a few close friends and get some quality time with them, and ended the day at a show with some of my favorite local bands. Normally I would be able to fall asleep, satisfied with how my day played out, and at peace with my interactions and accomplishments. Something, though, defeated the pleasant reality of my day, and left me with a poor taste in my mouth. I can't properly describe what consumed me today, but it felt as though I had some deadline hanging over my head, or a sort of grievance with an individual that went unresolved.

I'm sure this all sounds depressing, and hopeless. I just need to figure out how to reconcile what I felt today. I need to get on my bike and ride a bit.

Introduction...

So, this is my blog. I've spent time writing before, in journals, on the internet, and in the margins of thought provoking books. I have little courage as a human though, and to allow my raw thoughts to be accessible in this manner is troublesome. Consequently, every sentence I record will be conceived with the utmost care, in hopes of not revealing too much of who I am, and every word carefully formulated to conceal what inhabits my insides. I don't expect anyone to be capable of fully relating to anything I produce here. This is not a plea for sympathy, nor do I hope for the comfort of finding a reader who could comprehend, or much less relate to, the notions that filter through the infinite tracks of my presumably impenetrable mind. I have full knowledge of how fruitless it will be to record these ideas, or rather ramblings, but choose to carry on with it none-the-less. So, we are left with this: Writings in which the only substance or value lies within the shallow impression that my facade of thoughts will leave on your frontal lobe, and the gratification I receive by ridding my mind of said thoughts.

I wish you luck in reading, as I'm sure every word of it will defile your mind.